Since 2012 is going to be a lot of fun, let’s start it off with a few laughs. Some of these jokes have been around for quite a while but most of them will at least create a chuckle. The first one regarding the SR-71 is on the tip of my brain as I am now in the SR-71 phase of a great book, Area 51. In 1968 when I was a transient F-4 Phantom crewmember at Kadena AFB my pilot colleague was arrested for taking a picture of a taxiing SR-71
*A PSALM SIGN FOR FLIERS: “Yea,Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death …I Shall Fear No Evil …For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).
*You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore test pilot)
*From an old carrier sailor – Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.
*Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.
*When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
*Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
*What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
*Never trade luck for skill.
*The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: “Why is it doing that?”, “Where are we?” And “Oh S#!+!”
*Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
*Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
*Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
*A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
*Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
*Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
*Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
*When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
*Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
*Advice given to RAF pilots during W. W. II.: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
*The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
*A pilot who doesn’t have any fear probably isn’t flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
*If you’re faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover – renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
*If an airplane is still in one piece, don’t cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author &aviator)
*Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
*There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
*The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who’s been there)
*”Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV.” (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the ‘glass cockpit’ of an A-320).
*If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.
*Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
*You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire.